R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
