why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
