did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
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I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
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This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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