And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
