I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
