Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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