I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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