i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
not ubering you a puppy
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
