I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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