Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
