the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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