Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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