You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Randomize