DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
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Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
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Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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