Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
