I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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