he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
