If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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