Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I AM VODKA MAN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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