The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
