god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
