Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
