Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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