tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
