He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
