I got chris browned last night
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
