areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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