I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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