I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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