Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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