I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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