Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
