Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
