ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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