mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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