nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
