I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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