WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
