so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
did i walk over a car last night?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize