I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
