apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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