life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
