when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
