i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
