My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
