How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
