I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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