yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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