My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
