Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
