Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
