her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
