he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
