That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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