I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
