hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
