3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
