I need to stop coming to work sober
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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