I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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